Well, here I am
at home. I do the things I have to do – the meals, the bed, the
wash – and then I wander from room to room – thinking of Yonatan
– looking at photos – thinking of you – wishing there was some
magic that could take the ache away - knowing that there isn’t
- knowing that to lose Yonatan has been such an incredibly
cruel blow – one you must face up to again and again each day,
each night. And now I’m drawn back to the photos, studying them
– remembering when he was little, when he was Yontie, full of that
enthusiasm for whatever he was doing – the enthusiasm that never
changed even when he grew up and became Yonatan… Each day was The
Day in his life.
The photos tell
so much about him – have you noticed in them how often he holds
his head to one side? – just a little shy (without his knowing it)
– as he does in that wonderful picture (he was in uniform) at the
kitchen table – grown up now, and with such humour and such
sweetness in his face. So many people have talked about how mature
he was, how responsible, but from quite small, he was already
“mature” - and such a little mensch! I have
snapshots of him in my head – taking off across a field full of
stubble to “see Abba…” – singing “sha shtiel”
for an amazed Shenk – the no-nonsense command to Boaz, “I will
jump and you will laugh!” (And, of course, Boaz obliging… he
wasn’t even sitting up yet but was already a devoted slave to his
big brother.) And later, in Rochester, when Yontie had to go to the
doctor, and suddenly Shashamutzah was declared to be a
“doctor dog…” In New York, Yontie shouting down the lift to
the woman who’d just pronounced him ‘The politest little boy,’
“Goodbye, old sluggy!” (And her look of horror as the lift door
closed…)
Then off I wander
again to the real photos. The fridge is covered and
everything I do in the kitchen is delayed while I gaze at each
photo. What is beautiful to see, in many photos, is the love Yonatan
shows for Boaz, for Maya – for each of you. In the biggest
photo we have, where Yonatan is sitting sort of sideways, leaning
forward, the expression in his eyes is caught so perfectly – that
this photo I can hardly pass at all.
But who can bear
the thought that photo and memories are all we’re to have of him
now! We want him – not photos or memories. Nothing warned me that
without Yonatan, our world would be so lonely, that there would be
such an emptiness. And if me, how then you! Each, in your own way,
trying to start life again without the one who brought happiness
into your life, just by being himself, by being Yonatan.
But the
heartbreak comes not only from what we have lost, but from knowing
what he has lost. Will we ever again see young people happy together
without the thought, “He should be there!” Or people engrossed
in work they love… or a beautiful field… or a serene sunset…
or a new father holding his first child… no, it’s useless,
there’s only anguish there.
We must – we
have to – look back, though, to the good times: the joy of knowing
and loving Yonatan, and being loved in return – all that happiness
doesn’t just evaporate. It’s there – to warm us when we feel
cold – to comfort us when we’re lost – to be with us when we
feel alone.
Love to each of
you.
Mary |