– January 20, 2002
Dear Susie, Moshe, Boaz, and Maya, and
all the others who were lucky enough to know Yonatan,
Five years! And as I sit wondering what I could possibly
say that would shed new light or provide new comfort I am
struck by something. I still miss Yonatan. I don't mean that
I am sorry for your loss or that I wish he had had the chance
to enjoy a full life. Of course I feel these things. But I
miss Yonatan. And remarkably he is still a real force.
He is still with me. It sounds crazy that you miss what is
with you but it seems to work that way. It is the very fullness
of his presence that makes it still hurt so much.
Five years is a long time and, naturally, at times I have
to struggle to keep sharp the edges of some of my images of
Yonatan. I feel aspects of Yonatan drifting away. I know this
is natural - part of the healing process. But the tears still
come, the anger still eats away, the empty space that is loss
is still just out there. However, most important of all, the
inspiration still leads me. It is a testament to Yonatan that
he was such a full personality, not "just" a youth
waiting to develop into a man, waiting to become himself.
Like any 21 year-old he was still struggling with uncertainty
about the details. Self-image is an issue we all grapple with
but Yonatan had a firm moral compass, a clear sense of the
basics, the very essence of humanity. It is absolutely clear
who Yonatan was going to be, what he would continue to stand
for. This is what continues to inspire me. This was not the
black and white of adolescence but the tolerant, understanding,
loving, and fully-colored understanding of maturity.
Five years and now I have a son old enough to go off to the
army. I am beginning to understand even more fully what your
loss is all about. My mind turns away when I try to force
it to approach the edge of that dark space. I am newly horrified.
I am also newly in awe. I wrote a year ago that Yonatan is
with me. I understand better today than a year ago how Yonatan
provides me with a standard by which to view my own actions.
It is a theme that I have noticed in what others also write
about him. What an accolade for any human being!
All my love,