Raise a glass! It's legal now. You're 21 and you have reached the age of majority.

Well, almost. We went wrong somewhere and now you won't be raising a glass. So what went wrong? You are gone and I am left wondering how one so loved could have seen no future worth living for. No, more than that, could have felt that it was necessary to take action to avoid the future. What was going on your mind? What were you feeling, thinking?

I'd be scared to know. I'm not sure I could handle it. You must have sensed a very black beast crouching in the shadows.

As far as I can tell, you entered a world whose very structure and design would have made little sense to me but appeared rational to you. Something must have reinforced the terrible logic of suicide once you turned in that direction. It was not a sudden decision but something that became more and more sensible and realistic to you as the hopelessness grew. Did you recognize the hopelessness for what it was: depression? I doubt it. You used that wonderful but damaged brain of yours to build a totally fallacious world which eventually admitted no possibility of change or improvement.

There are times when I wonder about all the experts we saw. Why did they not have any answers for you? Strangely, after you killed yourself I consiously tried to avoid placing any blame on the mental health professionals who dealt with you. I didn't want to be one of those people who displaces their guilt, blaming others. But I have more than enough guilt, I don't need to take on anyone else's.

Mental health "professionals" - such a strange term given the fumbling understanding of what happens in the brain. I feel a real anger that people made recommendations and decisions about you when they really did not have a clue. You used to talk about the quacks and I would argue with you. It was too true. They wanted to help but they were taking enormous risks - risks that eventually played a part in you thinking suicide was the only way out. Good intentions do not absolve guilt. I know that now - about myself and others.

But, come, raise a glass! Now is not the time to talk of blame and pain. Now you are 21 and you had so much potential.

Mark - September 10, 2004

Omer Shenker, 1983-2004